This Motherfucking Life

I just got the mail saying I have been turned down for the scholarship that I blew a few thousand dollars applying for and was sure I would get. Why was I turned down? Who knows. While trying to avoid self pity it is the same wonder I feel at being turned down for everything I get turned down for. I think in some ways I am easy to reject. Not initially, but I picture in the final stages they look and think, "Well, he'll be okay without this." But I'm not. I am at a complete loss for what to do. I have been highly motivated basing everything around this, including a substantial chunk of my self respect. Fancy yourself the academic you say. I was so confident I had it, but I felt the same way about film school and the high school teaching job and the...... I suppose I should get used to the idea of being a junior high teacher. What was that I was saying about Warren down there earlier? I take it back Warren here I come.

(UPDATE)
The consulate actually mailed back and said there were two reasons:

1. There were a lot of applicants.
2. My research seemed unfocused.

2. Is odd because I came out of the interview telling everyone, "They were very friendly but didn't seem very interested in my research." They really didn't seem to grasp what "Environmental Economics" might be and kept bringing it back to "Can you understand doctors in Japan?" As I was trying to explain quantifying "Quality of Life."

Very frustrating.